The Jer-King

Fartoons...THE LOST EPPISODE!

2007-03-02T13:43:00.000-08:00

This was going to be part of a whole long strip. But let's face it... I'm lazy.

This is the long awaited debutt (spelled correcftly) of Winston the Pug.

While this blog was dying...

2007-01-22T14:32:00.000-08:00

...we were rocking!

For one night only, Artists and Underpants performed for Isabelle Boyd's 9 months birthday:

Dead Blogs

2006-12-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

shani said...
"why did this blog die? Why did Jason's blog die? What's going on?"

Let me answer this in a fashion to match the season....Thanks.

Yes Shani. There is a Santa Blogger. Artists tend to forget one project that might seem brilliant to them at the time, and even to many seem brilliant much later. We abandon our "children" in the search for the new exciting project/idea as yet unthought. Oft leaving semi or less than complete works in our swath. While it may be frustrating to our fans, and even to us, it seems that this pattern is unavoidable to most creative types. It is like its in our DNA.

Blogs Die, chapters are unfinished, comic strips sit awaiting the gag panel on the drawing board. It is sad. Jerkemy and I have been working on a movie script for just about 2 years now. We get a pace going then we both move on to something else. Writing dick jokes or something. I have the third comic in my series complete, just haven't had the time to proof it and get the damn thing to press. It takes work you see. Time is valuable, like the blood through the organism that is our journey through this life. I don't even finish video games anymore. When I do pick them back up I start from the beginning again only to quit at roughly the same place again.

Perhaps its like the delay we try for when fucking. Just to prolong the pleasure of it. After all, who wants that to be over? Who wants anything to be over? Not Me. I have been disappointed by so many endings I didn't like. Books, Movies, Songs...Lives. Sometimes it is easer to leave something unfinished than to "kill" it.

You always hear it when an artist dies. Any given artist, be it a painter or a songwriter. He left that one work undone when he died. Sometimes a relative will step in and publish that work, or worse...FINISH IT!!! Shudder! Who are they to complete another's legacy? It was left un done because life is a circle. Yet we still crave that finality. Why? We may never understand that.

So many projects flow through me and leave me in various states of completion that I am truly amazed when any one thing gets done. Even something as simple as a blog post to me seems like a life achievement to be laminated and displayed at the Smithsonian next to The Declaration Of independence!

And So we will continue. No Shani this blog is not dead. We will continue to throw our little turds at the wall to see what sticks. You never know what little tidbit you will be remembered for, and historically it is always the one you least expect. Art is never ever finished. Only abandoned. Perhaps Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie will adopt it.

I would like to see what you could come up with in less than 15 minutes.

2006-12-10T18:27:00.000-08:00

Tibbers 'N" Konks Help The Homeless (A.K.A. Konks Speaks!!!!!)

2006-11-30T16:20:00.000-08:00

It's finally here! A new T'n'K, and another on the way! As always, click on it to see it in a new window, and click on it again to zoom in!

FARBMAN V KUBINSKI: APOCALYPTICUS

2006-11-30T15:15:00.000-08:00

Round 1-

By Christygurrrl and Jerkemy

a LIVE ACTION FARTOON!!! or "YO! Jfrom Raps!"

2006-11-29T09:21:00.000-08:00

Well here it is. I do hope you enjoy it. It is Jasons Character= JFrom, rapping to the beat.

PLEASE TURN IT UP!!! AND HIT THE SWITCHES!!!! BITCHES!!!

A New Day

2006-11-29T03:04:00.000-08:00

Recently, and to my great satisfaction, this blog has turned into a hotbed of juvenile creativity! With the recent addition of 2 new comic strips, and a third in the works for December, there is now a total of 4 here at the Jer-King. Just to recap, they are(in order of appearance):

"Tibbers and Konks" by Gabe and Jerkemy (new episodes are currently in production)
"The Fartoons" by B. Matt Kubinski of The Question?
"The Jer-King" by Jason of Friends of Jason Farbman
"Farbman v. Kubinski: Apocalypticus" by Jerkemy and Christygurrrl

This may call for an awards post in a few months, possibly called "The Strippy's", where the readers can vote on favorite series and episodes.

Sneak Preview or Trying Desperately to Fit In

2006-11-28T15:30:00.000-08:00

The Fartoons Issue#2

2006-11-28T14:07:00.000-08:00

Well there goes a day of my life that i will never get back. Coloring them takes the most time.

Sorry Jerkemy, I mean "coUloUring" them...

Ummm. I didnt mean this to turn out so mean spirited. It was supposed to be funny, me being egotistical and all. So let me qualify this comic by saying that Jerkemy and JFrom are two of my best friends, and have been since we were little.

But i like to blow them up iin the funny pages.

Onto the strip....,.

Keeping up with the Joneses

2006-11-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

Alright, everyone seems to have their own comic. Jerkemy and Gabe get to write about their fun adventures being best friends, and BM gets to write about shoving his wiener in all our faces. So here is my contribution:

The Fartoons

2006-11-27T15:07:00.000-08:00

Well i figgured that since I am the resident comics expert that I should contribute a comic strip of my own. IN COLOR! or as they say where Jerkemy lives "IN COULOUR". or some shit.

My creation is called "The Fartoons" and stars all three of the main contributers to this blog as they would look if they were famous cartoons.

Enough Jibba-Jabba. On with the show...

At the Movies

2006-11-22T05:32:00.000-08:00

In a world where the rules of society force them to hide their true selves, two men come together and stand up for what they believe. Hypothetically.

Jerkemy's review-

I saw "If I was a racist murderer" last night on a dare, and let me tell you something - I'm glad I did. This movie might just be the year's sleeper hit at the Oscar's. Kramer from T.V.'s Seinfeld stars as Michael Richards, a washed up comic who has been pigeonholed as a character he played on a sitcom 10 years ago. After accidentally letting loose a tirade of horrifying racial slurs on a couple of African American audience members, he finds himself in the national doghouse. He is forced to apologize on a late night talk show via satelite from his bathroom in a moment that is both awkward and hilarious. Meanwhile from his home in Warm Butterfalls, Arkansas, O.J. Simpson, a man who is not responsible for the murder of his wife although he had a well thought out plan to do so, sees the apology on his t.v. and decides to help Richards out. The two meet up in Los Angeles, and set out on a cross country trip campaigning to show how they are just a couple of ordinary guys who may or may not have made some racial and murderous mistakes. Along the way they meet a Chinese car mechanic played by George W. Bush. Richards playfully nicknames him Squinty and the mechanic joins them on their travels. The late Marge Schott plays Big Donna, a straight shooting, shoot-from-the-hip truck stop waitress who's not afraid to tell it like it is and call 'em how she sees 'em. Donna and Squinty fall instantly in love, infuriating O. J. who is also in love with Squinty. As the two lovers are walking to their truck stop hotel room one night , O.J. stabs them both with a carrot, sparking Michael Richards to call him "One crazy" racial slur. Lets just say that from there things get a little out of hand for these two numb sculls!!

This laugh-a-minute comedy really made me laugh. The acting is mediocrity at its best, and the story has a beginning and an ending. You'll never believe how fast the credits roll either! Good luck trying to read who the assistant key grip was!

Did You Know?

2006-11-17T05:15:00.000-08:00

George Washington actually looked ridiculous wearing his wooden teeth.

"Passing B.M."

2006-11-16T10:39:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day that this world is so crazy and big. I feel so lonely sometimes, out here in the middle of Argentina, separated from my friends and family on this blog. But it helps to think we're all looking out at the same sky each night, maybe even wishing on the same bright star.

And this, suckers, marks my third post. If the Jerk King will now place me in sole possession of second place...

Team Jer-King Stats and Standings

2006-11-14T23:04:00.000-08:00

Not long ago, I decided to add a few co-contributors to The Jer-King. It seemed like a good way to keep the blog fresh, and my plan was to eventually give all the regular readers and commentors the option to be contributors as well. That way we would all be able to post on the main page, in theory making the blog more fun to read.
First I asked Jason, who had made me a contributor to his blog, Friends of Jason Farbman. Then I asked B. Matt Kubinski of The Question? who accepted grudgingly after days of harassment. And finally I asked Christygurrrl of the Boyd's. She basically slept her way in to the position.

Here are the post totals so far:

1. Jerkemy .................................................................... 22
2. B. Matt Kubinksi ............................................................ 2
3. Jason ......................................................................... 2
4. Christygurrrl ................................................................. 0

Total Posts ......................................................................26

As you see can see, my dream of a community blog has not yet and may never be realized. In hindsight I guess it was a terrible idea. Why should people post to this blog when they all have or could have their own. Gabe and Shani, you guys were next in line to be annoyed by my pleas to be contributors, but you may have dodged that bullet!

Questions of Faith

2006-11-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wondered whether the Pearly Gates will be opened for you when your time comes? Well recently the Vatican released a questionnaire that will give you an idea in advance of what your chances are of getting in. I've managed to obtain a copy of it to share with everyone!

1) If you had to choose, which one of these would you be most willing to do?
a) Slaughter a goat in the name of a Pagan God.
b) Volunteer at a downtown soup kitchen
c) Sleep with your neighbor's spouse.

2) Given the opportunity, what celebrity alive or dead would you most like to meet? (Jesus is considered a celebrity in biblical terms)

3) If you heard someone yell "Allah Akbar!!!" at the mall, what do you think might happen next? Whom would you throw stones at until the mall-police arrived?

4) Would you say that you're closer to your local parishioner or the pedaphiles in your neighborhood?

5) If someone told you that you were going to be the first person to walk on Mars, and were crippled in an auto accident the next day, how would you attempt to capitalize on the tragedy:
a) Write a tell-all book
b) Pen an afterschool special about the dangers of hubris
c) Set up on the corner of 1st and Pike with a blanket over your legs and a tin can for collecting change
d) set up a non-profit charity in your name and host a slew of creepy telethons

6) Which do you pray for more?
a) A fire to destroy a local orphanage
b) A meteor to destroy the Middle East
c) The release of all convicted rapists and murderers.

7) Every time a car alarm goes off, an angel gets beheaded at the hands of a demon. Every time a cell phone rings, a _______________ gets ______________ by a _______________.

8) When you first wake up in the morning, how heavy is the load that you bear? Make sure to include in your answer specifics about the frequency of your load, the color, and how often you can achieve the "no-wipe."

9) If a republican and a democrat make gay whoopie, which one is more likely to go to hell?

10) On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being not at all and 10 being peeing-in-your-pants excited, how much are you looking forward to the second coming of our savior?

11) When was the last time you called your mother to tell her you love her?

12) Are you right or left handed?

13) On a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being no big deal and 10 being an abomination, where would you rate physically pleasuring yourself?

14) What is your ethnic background?

15) Who paints the stars in the sky each night?

16) If there was a comet headed for earth, and every person in the world hugged each other simultaneously, would the love created be strong enough to stop the comet in its tracks?

Bonus Question:
A train moving at 45 m.p.h. meets and is passed by a train moving at
36 m.p.h. A passenger on the first train is holding a stop watch and
notes that the second train takess 6 seconds to pass him. How long is the
second train which was timed?

"It's Always Sunny On Base"

2006-11-08T05:32:00.000-08:00

Setting: An Army base in London

External: The on-base bar, Beers

Internal: Quick shots of off-duty officers drinking at the bar, playing slot machines, playing pool. Camera comes to rest on a bar worker sitting on the floor behind the bar, scribbling on a napkin.

Jason: [Thinking] I've got so many words to use. Look at how smart I am. I believe I could conquer the world in my sleep.

The bar manager, a muscular and handsome man of the same age as Jason, wearing a goose-down vest and an earrings in the little part of his ear, walks up to Jason. Unnoticed, he stands there looking down at his employee in disgust.

Jerkemy: Jason, I think it's about time you learned something about humility. [Shouting] Hey everybody! Is anyone wondering who has the biggest penis in the room?

Voice in Crowd: [Off-camera] Fag!

Camera switched to in front of the bar, straight at Jerkemy's reaction.

Jerkemy: WHO SAID THAT?!?

Voice in Crowd: [Off-camera] Your momma!

Jason: [Off-camera, from behind the bar and still at Jerkemy's feet] I love your mother and I wish she would return my feelings in a jar labeled "lost love."

Jerkemy: What the fuck does that mean? [Grabs Jason and hauls him up] No more writing poems when you should be cleaning and stocking!

Jason: But-

Jerkemy: But nothing! Go! [Kicks Jason in the ass gruffly] And I don't care how long it takes, I want the condensation wiped from every bottle in that cooler. I don't wanna see one single drop of dew, do you understand?

Jason: [stuffs the napkins in his pocket and mumbles under his breath] You'll be sorry when the truth is told. You're the one who doesn't understand.

Jerkemy pulls out a cigar and bites the end off. He spits it on the floor and puts the cigar in his mouth, holding it with his teeth.

Jerkemy: And don't forget to sweep up back here. This place is a mess. Look at all that tobacco on the floor.

Jerkemy lights the cigar with a zippo and then throws the zippo on the floor and walks away. Jason waits til he's out of sight, then grabs a napkin and begins feverishly writing.

END SCENE

Tibbers and Konks - Episode 2

2006-11-02T17:31:00.000-08:00

Tibbers and Konks are back. Gabe has finished the artwork on the new comic strip, and it is here for your viewing pleasure. Although I do not receive any official credit on the comic itself(thanks gabe), I did write it, which is clearly the hard part. Apparently Gabe is trying to take full credit, but just know that it takes two brains to produce this much genius.

Once again, click on the image to open it full size in a new tab.

So without further ado, I bring you 'Tibbers and Konks have a date'

Oprah's World

2006-10-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

Recently, Oprah Winfrey gave her audience members each 1,000 dollars with which they were to do a good deed. She claimed that what she was actually giving them was "the best feeling in the world". Along with the money, each person was also given a sony dvd camcorder so that they could document their charitable acts. Oprah for president?! I say Oprah for Pope, Empress, and Queen rolled into one!

So I started thinking, what would I have done if I had been a member of her studio audience and had all that good will to dish out. And within a few moments I had worked out my plan.

First I would film myself getting mindlessly drunk and peeing into little 8 oz. glass bottles everyday for 6 weeks straight. Then I would print out hundreds of labels that read 'Oprah's Juice' complete with a picture of Queen O's smiling face, and apply them to each bottle. Then I'd package the bottles up into cases and bring them to the nearest shopping mall. Once there, I would pass the bottles out to everyone I see, yelling "Drink this, the spirit of the Goddess, and all of your dreams shall be fulfilled!" I would deliver this message in my best 'old testament prophet' voice, to make it sound more legitimate. I would then film as all the unsuspecting saps drink my pee. When the realization hits them and they begin vomiting, I would run around with the camera yelling "You've been O-punk'd, suckaz!"

Imagine the joy I would spread. If only...

Anybody else got any ideas?

They used to call us "geeks" now they call us "pop culturalists"

2006-10-30T11:41:00.000-08:00

Hi there!

I would like to show the less abrasive, less sophomoric, less mom joke making side of myself...But Blogger deletes porn.

I know that comics are geek city. Its ok now though. With shows like lost and heroes eating up the rating share, its now ok to discuss which Spidey costume was better around the water cooler. (incidentally its the black costume, first appearance Secret Wars #8 ...Best issue ever!)So here we go.

Marvel Vs. DC Which is better??????

I open this for debate.
Begin

MATT

2006-10-28T05:59:00.000-07:00

Matt matt matt, matt matt matt matt matt. Matt matt matt matt? Matt. Matt Matt Matt Matt The Bleakest, matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt matt. Matt matt matt matt punk rock, matt matt matt matt matt matt. Matt matt matt matt matt matt!!!!!!! Matt matt matt. Matt matt matt matt matt matt comic books, matt matt matt matt matt matt. Matt matt matt matt matt boobies, matt matt matt matt matt matt matt. Matt matt matt donkey punch matt! Matt-matt!

Look at my New Member!

2006-10-27T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hi there!
My name is Matt, and I am the newest addition to team Jerk.

I am a self absorbed, egotistical, narcissistic shameless self promoter...And DEAD SEXY to boot. (for proof of that just roll over my picture)

That is who I am. I've accepted it. What do I do?
I was in a punk band with Jason for a number of years...
I have worked every crappy retail job in the mall (including the dollar store)...
Graveyard shift clerk at a convenience store...
Barback/Bouncer at a bunch of clubs in Chicago...
DJ at said clubs....
Now I am their marketing director... (how the fuck did that happen?)
Oh, I also write screenplays and shoot movies...
Create, write, and self publish comic books also...

Told you I was a shameless self promoter, don't act surprised!

On this blog you will find me writing about my favorite subject mostly (me). While occasionally getting into arguments with Jason. That is the truth of the matter.

I have one saving grace...but it's a doozy: I HAVE AN OPEN MIND.
I have the near superhuman ability to look at every side of an issue, and form an opinion that while firm, may yet be swayed by my listening to further argument and considering the truth therein.
I know NOTHING. That is the only thing I know for sure.

I also enjoy long walks on the beach...at night...in latex...with your mom.

A Piece of Political History

2006-10-27T06:49:00.000-07:00

While I was in Chicago, I could not miss the opportunity to visit the Jason Farbman monument(at least that's what Jason Farbman told me). It was erected in 2003 by his faithful political followers. Being members of the green party, they were of course short on funds. Luckily one of them had the bright idea to raid a nearby orphanage and steal all the lego blocks. They used the toy building bricks to construct one of those most realistic depictions of Mr. Farbman in his campaign days, and they called it "The Benchsitter". Here I am with the famous statue!!!

I Am Still An Awesome Television Writer

2006-10-24T22:49:00.000-07:00

Here is another scene from the my television series that has yet to be picked up. For a little background information on this project, read the "Sitcometry" post, and for another scene from the series read "I Am An Awesome Television Writer".

INT-Grant House, Living Room- Frank Grant is sitting on the couch in his underwear staring at the television. His wife, Sue Grant, walks into the room.

SUE: Remember Frank, my mother is coming today. So please make sure you're wearing pants by the time she gets here.

FRANK(in a fancy fake british accent): But of course. And will her majesty be needing me to wipe her ass as well?

The audience laughs and cheers.

SUE: Frank, my mother's incontinence is nothing to joke about.

The audience laughs even harder.

Lucas, Frank and Sue's son, walks into the room.

LUCAS: Hey mom, hey dad.

SUE: Oh good Lucas, just the person I need to see. Did you clean the spare bedroom like I asked you to?

LUCAS: Yes, mam.

SUE: And did you remember to fluff the pillows?

LUCAS(hesitantly): No. Why would I...

FRANK: Lucas don't talk to back to your mother, just do as your told.

LUCAS(looking defeated): Okay.

Lucas walks out the front door.

SUE: Where the hell is he going?

FRANK: Who knows? I told you that kid is freakin' retarded.

The audience murmurs uncomfortably.

Lucas is suddenly heard screaming outside.

LUCAS: Oh God please somebody help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Frank and Sue run to the front door.

FRANK: Lucas, What the hell are you doing???!

LUCAS: I was just (screams in agony) fucking the hippos (screams in agony) like mom told me (screams in agony) to (screams in agony)...

SUE: I didn't say fuck the hippos! I said FLUFF the PILLOWS!

The audience laughs at the boys mistake.

LUCAS: Please (screams in agony) make it (screams in agony) stop!

FRANK: Well son, there's nothing we can really do to help you at this point. It looks like the hippo you chose prefers pitching to catching, so hang in there champ.

SUE: Just try and relax your muscles honey, you'll get used to it.

The audience voices their agreement.

Sue and Frank close the door and walk back to the couch together, laughing.

SUE: Sometimes I don't where that boy gets it from.

FRANK: Well right now he's getting it from a horny hippopotamus. But I'll tell you one thing, watching him in action just then, he did remind me a little bit of his mother.

The audience hoots and whistles.

SUE(seductively): Oh did he?

They look at each other with lust in their eyes. Sue jumps on top of Frank and they begin to kiss and grope feverishly. The lights fade out as faint screams of agony can still be heard from Lucas.

The audience applause is deafening

End Scene.

Hope you enjoyed this scene as much as the last! There will be more to come soon.

I have the power!

2006-10-22T15:44:00.002-07:00

So it's been percolating around on the internet that ol' Tom is going to introduce a tiered system of Myspacing, and yours truly has finally gotten the poop on what's going down with the News Corp's newest acquisition.

"Power Users will be charged 9.95 per month, but they will be able to fully customize thier page and chat with whomever they like. They can add Basic Users, OR Power Users as friends."

So basically it will let me do what I can already do for free? Not exactly, according to Myspace literature on the subject. For the $10 a month, users will get power tools so they can fully customize their pages, entirely in-house. They will get a series of buttons eliminating all that HTML coding that onyl Myspace users seem to have to put up with. But there are some new features that really this reporter's ears up, and made him think twice about his recently-cancelled account.

Apparantly, Myspace was so steamed at Google's recent acquisition of YouTube - after not being given a "fair chance to match offers" - they were reported to have been working on ways to make it difficult, if not impossible, to post YouTube videos on a Myspace page. Soon, if you want to post video on Myspace, you're going to have to:

Upload your video directly to Myspace
All videos must be original, uncopywrighted content
Video content will be monitored similarly to photos, for violence or nudity, or other such things objectionable to the News Corp.
Have a Power User account

Now, I was getting pretty pissed off when I heard about all this. But in typical Myspace fashion, there were a few perks to sweeten the pot. All Power Users will be able to:

Track all page views.
A web-display will show just exactly how you are connected to any other user.
Preferred display on searches in which your page would appear.
HTML power tools.
Page templates, with fixed-width tables etc, so your photos etc don't become an unwieldy mess to look at (and with background images that actually stay in the background).
No distracting advertising... none actually!
Unlike "basic" users, all power users retain the rights to any material posted on their pages.
A complicated filter system that will allow you to specify undesireable users, and appear invisible to them, as if you didn't have an account.

I'm not sure what Myspace will look like in the far future, but I can tell there are some pretty drastic changes afoot now. Stay tuned to the Jerk-King for more info.

Seasoned Sex

2006-10-22T14:24:00.000-07:00

There's a new substance being used in the bedroom to enhance sexual pleasure, and chances are you can find it in your kitchen. Across the nation, and possibly around the world, men and women are using black pepper in the bedroom to intensify their orgasms. How's that for adding a little spice to your love life?!

It works as follows: keep some black pepper handy while you are involved in some sort of sexual act. As you are about to climax, inhale a bit of black pepper at the exact right moment so that you sneeze and orgasm simultaneously. The result is more nerve stimulation than dousing yourself in gasoline and lighting yourself on fire(see previous post "History's Whackiest Protests"), and it feels better too!

If anyone has experienced this pleasure first hand please tell me how it is! I'm really curious, but also a little nervous about asking my wife if we can try it.

The Return Of The (Jer)King

2006-10-21T13:16:00.000-07:00

It has been so long that I don't even know what to say. I was worried that while I was on hiatus in Chicago The Jer-King would die a horrible slimey death. I was panicked the whole flight home, wondering what fate had befallen this poor helpless blog in my absence. I had no internet access for our entire vacation, which was strangely refreshing but also sent me into some sort of World Wide Web withdrawal. I felt like tecnology was advancing in light years without me. Would I still remember how to use Firefox when I returned???!!!

Yes.

Thankfully, an overwhelming number of reader comments(2) kept the blog entertaining through the lack of posts, and an overwhelming number of reader demands(0) for more posts have reassured me that The Jer-King will live on. I just want to say thank you to all the loyal readers, you are a collective beacon of light for me.

Did you Know?

2006-10-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

1 out of every 6 grandmothers prefers lubeless anal sex.

The Start of Something Beautiful

2006-09-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

When I first started this blog I had an idea for a live action sock puppet series called Tibbers and Konks. I wanted to film one every couple of weeks and post it. Recently, inspired by the artwork of Mr. Gabe Mintz, I decided to ask the artist/friend if he would like to make it a comic strip instead. He agreed, and the Tibbers and Konks comic was born. Now, for your viewing pleasure, episode one: "Tibbers and Konks need a television" Just click on the pic below then click on it again to zoom in!

Ear Cuddle

2006-09-28T02:42:00.000-07:00

I finally hunted down some rare live recordings of the indie folk singer Matt Davis who was featured in an earlier post. I think they are from a college radio appearance. It's not his best but it's enough to wet your appetite, and probably your pants.

Who is HE?????

2006-09-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

Reader Gabe is the first person who is not me to fill out the "Who am I?" survey featured in an earlier post! I thought it would be appropriate to share it with everyone. He's even added his own question at the end. This is a great way to get to know the reader's of this blog, and anyone else who wants to fill it out, feel free to do so and then email it to me.

The "Who am I?" survey(Gabe):

Q: If you were a cactus, what kind of personality would you have?
A: I would be a big, tall cactus with one giant prick . ;)

Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Vanilla. ;)

Q: In the Land of Forgotten Souls there is a relic that holds the secrets to all
of time and space. If you had this relic, what celebrity would you use its mystical powers to make yourself look more like?
A: Jeff Goldblum. What the fuck am I doing answering this stupid question? ;)

Q: When do you feel most like a flower in full bloom?
A: When I'm buried in dirt, or every time they don't pick me. ;-0

Q: Have you ever killed in cold blood?
A: No. It was actually quite pleasant. ;)

Q: How many times a day do you say the word 'the'?
A: None. I say "dah".

Q: Where is the last place you made whoopee with your loved one?
A: On the beach, with a hollowed out tree trunk outside of a maximum security prison .

Q: What is the last thing you would say to a terminally ill patient just before they died?
A: I would ask them to bring back some ice cream for my friends.

Q: How many times a day do you say the word 'rapture'?
A: I don't say it, I feel it in the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ our savior. You can too if you just beleive.

Q: What are three words that best describe your stance on abortion?
A: Salty, not heavily seasoned, medium-well

Q: If you had a crush on your friends mom, but the whole family were illegal imigrants and they like to drink jew blood and then you found out your car had a flat and they were chasing you with bats...would you watch The Simple life or Beavis and Butthead.
A: Hmmmm. That's a tough one. I'd have to say I cockrub, or cockles...I made that word up myself.

Community Love

2006-09-26T15:04:00.000-07:00

One of my dearest friends Gabe, who just recently became a reader of this blog, sent me a visual representation of the Grant family from my pilot script. His interpretation of the characters I created is so spot on that I felt it was absolutely nessacary to post it here on the blog. Between my script, Jason's promotional poster and Gabe's character design we've nearly got ourselves a full sales pitch for the networks! Click on the picture to get a better look at it.

Mail-A-Wish

2006-09-26T01:15:00.000-07:00

If I could be anybody for a day I would be my mailman, so that I could STOP stealing mail from the Boyd residence and START killing myself. But first I would wipe the smug look off my face, and give myself up to the Feds. I would request an interview with Barbara Walters, in which I would confess that I lied to Jeremy Boyd and told him that the package his family sent him for Christmas, a package filled with cards and presents, never arrived in the mail and must've gotten lost. My sobbing would grow harder as I revealed the true story of stealing the package and taking it home to share with my family, each of us claiming a present for our own as we laughed about the death of Christmas for the Boyd's. I would beg for the world's forgiveness, but my pleadings would be futile and the people would demand swift and strong justice. There desicion to have me executed by lethal injection does not seem like a drastic enough punishment, so instead I bash my head against a concrete wall until I'm set free by the sweet release of death.
That's what I would do if I was my mailman for a day.

I am an Awesome Television Writer

2006-09-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

As promised, here is a scene from the pilot script of my still unamed sitcom that I told you about in the "Sitcometry" post. Read that post first if you haven't already, so that you have an idea of what's going on.

INT. Grant House, Kitchen - Frank Grant is sitting at the breakfast table eating a plate of eggs. His wife, Sue Grant, is at the kitchen sink scrubbing the pan she used to make the eggs. Their 12 year old son Lucas walks into the room.

LUCAS: Morning mom. Morning dad.

SUE: Good morning sweetie.

FRANK: Morning son. Before you sit down, could you go out and fetch the paper for me?

Lucas seems less than thrilled at his father's request.

LUCAS: Do I have to dad?

FRANK: Only if you know what's good for you!

The audience cheers and laughs at the father's snappy retort.

LUCAS: But..

SUE: Don't argue with your father Lucas! Just do as your told.

LUCAS: Okay.

Lucas walks out the front door of the house.

FRANK: I swear Sue, sometimes I think that boy would fit in better in a home for the retarded.

The audience murmurs uncomfortably.

SUE: That's funny Frank, because sometimes I think that with all that back hair, you would fit in better in the gorilla exhibit!

The audience laughs uproariously.

FRANK: Very Funny. Maybe I should drink to that!

The audience cheers as Frank walks over to the refrigerator and pulls out a can of beer. He opens it and takes a big swig. The audience cheers louder.

Lucas comes running in the kitchen from outside. Half of his left arm has been torn off and he is gushing blood. Sue and Frank run to his side.

SUE: Honey, What happened?!

LUCAS: I was just doing what you told me to do. I went outside to catch the gator and...

FRANK: Catch the gator???!!! I said FETCH the PAPER!!!!!

Sue, Frank, and the audience all laugh at Lucas's confusion. Lucas does not laugh, but instead collapses from his loss of blood.
Lisa, Sue and Frank's 16 year old daughter, walks into the kitchen. Seeing her parents laughing and having such a good time, she looks disgusted.

LISA: Oh God... I think I'm gonna throw up.

FRANK: Well that wouldn't happen so much if you'd stop sticking your finger down your throat.

The audience cheers and hoots and hollers and laughs.

LISA: I hate you dad!!!!!!!!!

She storms off and the audience cheers again. Zelda, the elderly ethnic housekeeper, walks in and sees the pool of blood around Lucas on the floor.

ZELDA: Oh great. I guess I'd better get the mop.

The audience laughs until they cry.

END SCENE

Well there it is. A scene from the pilot script of my sitcom. I hope you guys enjoy it. Let me know what you think of it. I'm also open to ideas and suggestions, so dont' be shy!

Did You Know?

2006-09-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

The original Lincoln Log was actually a journal the 16th president kept of his sexual conquests.

Reader Feeback

2006-09-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

One of this blogs readers(perhaps the only reader), Jason, made a suggestion to use the name Troubling Paradise as the title of the sitcom mentioned in the previous post. This title is actually the property of B. Matt Kubinski of Evigen graphics (I'm plugging for you buddy!), so it's ultimately his desicion if I can use it or not. I hope so, because Jason also emailed me a fantastic idea for a promotional poster.

Sitcometry

2006-09-18T09:16:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time in a faraway land I was working with someone, who shall remain nameless, on a "comedy" screenplay. We put in a decent amount of time and effort on the script, but not enough to get results any higher than average. Then, just when I thought it was starting to get good, my partner seemed to lose interest, and soon after I did as well.
I had so much unused energy once that project ended that I needed to find a new outlet. One night, while watching an episode of According to Jim on ABC, it smacked me in the face like a rubber chicken. And that's when I started developing my sitcom.
Here's the premise: A mom and dad who are both zookeepers live in a house in the zoo with their two children and their sassy maid. Hilarious? Absolutely.
I will be posting a few bits of script here at The Jer-King, so I thought it might be a good idea to get you guys briefed a little on the character's and such.

The dad's name is Frank. He's a mid forties "man's man" with a heart of gold and a belly full of booze. Although he almost always means well, his common sense often fails him, resulting in some very funny moments!
The mom's name is Sue. She's younger than Frank, and sharper too! She keeps him in check when his stupidity gets the better of him.
The son is a 12 year old boy named Lucas. He loves his mom and idolizes his dad, often trying to take on zookeeper tasks that he's not quite ready for. He's starting to discover girls!!! He's also partially deaf.

The daughter, Lisa, is sixteen years old and boy does it show! She is a little on the nerdy side, so she's often struggling to fit in among her peers. She has a crush on the varsity quarterback, she hates her parents and her little brother, and she also plays the flute. It will be revealed later on in the series that she can communicate with the animals through song, using her flute to summon and control the zoo's wildlife.

Then there's Zelda, the elderly ethnic maid. She is a woman experienced in life. She isn't the hardest working housekeeper, but she makes up for it in pizzazz! She is practically part of the family, and dishes out words of wisdom like that's her job.

Let's not forget that the show takes place in a zoo! This allows for many side splitting moments of animals turning up in places they're not supposed to be (Monkey in the refrigerator! Possum in the cupboard! Giraffe in the chimney! Elephant in the tub!) and "loads" of animal fesces jokes.

With all the creativity I've invested in developing the story and characters, I haven't had a chance to come up with a good title. I'm open to suggestions! Any ideas?

Underwater Love Child

2006-09-15T02:06:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite underground publications is TreeFrog. It's a magazine that reports on the music, art, and news that people like me(i.e. cool people) care about and which are mostly ignored by mainstream media. The writing is spectacular, the interviews are hardhitting and informative, and the photography is above and beyond that which you will find in a Time magazine or a Rolling Stone. Unfortunately they keep such a low profile that is hard to get your hands on a copy. I am lucky enough to know someone on the staff there, and have recieved every issue for the past 2 years. Recently my favorite underground publication did an interview with one of my favorite underground songwriters, folksinger Matt Davis.

TreeFrog doesn't seem to have a website that I can find, so I'm just going to transcribe the article for this post.

From the article "A Quiet Unknown" in the September 2006 issue of TreeFrog-

New York-It's 11 p.m on a warm Thursday night at The Racoon Lodge in Manhattan. There's a man in his late twenties with an acoustic guitar on a makeshift stage. His appearance can best be described as 'bookish hip', from his black square framed glasses, right down to his sky blue suede puma's. As he sings to a crowd of at most 25 people his voice teeters on the brink of bad. It doesn't help any that the bar's sound system is terrible and the acoustics in the room lack any real depth. Yet everyone here, including me and the bartender, is captivated by his performance. The lyrics are sometimes cryptic, but always intriguing. And the delivery leaves no doubt in our minds that the singer believes the song. This is Matt Davis.

For the past 6 years, indie/emo/pop/folksinger Matt Davis has been playing bars, coffeehouses, parks and streetcorners all over New York City. In all that time he has not once released any sort of recorded material, relying strictly on word of mouth and a tireless work ethic to develop a small but loyal fanbase. All that's about to change, because in January of 2007 the artist is releasing his debut album,"Underwater Love Child".
After a 40 minute set at the Racoon Lodge, I sat down at the bar with Matt and asked him a few questions about the forthcoming album over a beer.

TF: You've gone so long without ever going into a studio and laying down tracks for an album. What made you finally decide to cross that bridge?
MD: Well I've always felt that if I started making any real profit off of my stuff, the songs themselves and all future compositions would then be contaminated by the venom of the greed serpent. So I stayed away from that aspect of music, managing to get by with oddjobs and friends with livable couches. But I recently discoverd that the well of kindness I'd been drinking from for so long was not quite as deep as I'd once thought. And so here I am, driving the first nail into what will eventually be the gallows I'm hung from.

TF: Wow, that's pretty harsh. I mean, isn't there something to be said for getting your music out to a bigger audience?
MD: I don't know, I guess. But really I think everyone who can appreciate my songs are already living here in New York. Let the south have their Keith Toby's and everyone else have their Justin Tinkerlake's, my fanbase is and always will be here in New York City.

TF: Are you trying to say that there's no one outside of the Big Apple smart enough to understand your music?
MD: I never said anything about smart enough. Those are your words, not mine. Don't try and manipulate what I'm saying to make this a spicier story. What I'm saying is that my songs are written from the perspective of a person who lives here in New York, so it might be harder to relate to if you don't know what that's like.

TF: I'm not sure I follow. I just sat here and listened to you sing 10 original songs and I can't recall a single one of them having any lyrics specific to this city.
MD: You clearly aren't on the same plane as me or my music, because it's not on that obvious of a level. It's not like I'm singing about the taco stand on West 4th street. My poetry is not written in that personal of a perspective. A lot of my songs are actually written to or about our collective social conscience.

TF: I'm still not sure I understand how the rest of the country can't appreciate your music if it's not just a matter of you thinking New Yorkers are smarter than everyone else.
MD: It's getting more and more apparent that I should expect you to understand very little of what I say.

After an awkward silence, he checks his watch and says he has to go meet someone at the studio to do some mixing so that I can actually listen to some of what's been recorded (although he seems less than thrilled at this prospect now) . I tell him I can't wait to hear what he's got. We agree on a time for me to come by the studio to continue our interview, and then we go our seperate ways.

**** This post has already gotten too long, so I'm going to leave the second half of the article for another time. There are some great insights into his songwriting process and what makes him tick, but those will have to wait. For now I'm going to comb the internet looking for some of the bootleg recordings of his live stuff so I can post them on here for everyone to listen.

The Truth About Jer-King

2006-09-13T12:19:00.000-07:00

I thought it might be a good idea to tell all you readers of this blog a little bit about me before The Jer-King really gets going. So, taking a page out of the Myspace handbook, I've filled out one of those great questionaires people are always sending out as bulletins. Enjoy!

The "Who am I?" survey:

Q: If you were a cactus, what kind of personality would you have?
A: I would be a sweet, caring, friendly cactus who's maybe just a little needy. ;)

Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Raspberry. ;)

Q: In the Land of Forgotten Souls there is a relic that holds the secrets to all
of time and space. If you had this relic, what celebrity would you use its mystical powers to make yourself look more like?
A: It's a toss up between Brad and the Pope(the new one, not the dead one) ;)

Q: When do you feel most like a flower in full bloom?
A: When I finish fucking. ;-0

Q: Have you ever killed in cold blood?
A: Wouldn't you like to know! ;)

Q: How many times a day do you say the word 'the'?
A: 3,517

Q: Where is the last place you made whoopee with your loved one?
A: In a hollowed out tree trunk outside of a maximum security prison.

Q: What is the last thing you would say to a terminally ill patient just before they died?
A: I would ask them to say hi to my dog Ruffers when they get to heaven.

Q: How many times a day do you say the word 'rapture'?
A: About the same number as 'the'

Q: What are three words that best describe your stance on abortion?
A: Sparkling, disinfectant, tummyrub

Well I think these 10 questions pretty much sum me up. If there are any other questions you would like answered, please just leave them in the comment section. Also, feel free to use this survey on your own blog, it's a nice way to let your readers see a little glimpse of your insides.

Opening Day (A Justification of Greatness)

2006-09-13T03:33:00.000-07:00

In my first post, which was only a test, I made a claim which some people, or at least the one person who read it, might've found outrageous. The claim was that this blog will be the greatest blog that has ever lived. First and foremost let me backpedal a bit and admit this isn't true. What I meant to say was that this will be the greatest blog that has ever been written.

Still think that's outrageous? Well then you are clearly not familiar with my talent and my prowess as a writer. With time these things will become obvious to you, but you can get a preview of them from a few of my posts on the Friends of Jason Farbman blog. Keep in mind though that these posts contain only minimal amounts of my skill and effort. I have been holding back for the day when I might have a blog to call my own, and that day is finally here.

Still not convinced? Well that's because you are unaware of the fact that I have a secret weapon in my possession that is going to fill my posts with with stories, anecdotes, and social commentaries that range from hilarious to insightful to heartwarming and back to hilarious. And how could you be aware of this ace I have up my sleeve? You not being aware of it is what makes it a secret!!
But today, on this the opening day here at The Jer-King, I am going to reveal that secret to you, the reader(s?). Brace yourself, here it comes:

I have pocket-sized memo pads that I keep in my pocket and write memos on.

Did I just knock your socks off? Sorry. Put them back on and keep reading.
These memo pads are filled with such things as; thoughts I have throughout the day, stupid things I hear people say and see them do, stories I experience firsthand or steal from unsuspecting saps, and much more!

To give you an idea of the genius of my memo pads, I'm going to pick a page at random and tell you each memo that is written on that page as well as give you a note or two on them.

Memo #1- Stop weaseling out of answering the question "Why do you have such a strained relationship with your postman?".
This is really not something I want to get into here on the blog, and I would appreciate it if everyone would respect my wishes and not bring it up again.

Memo #2- The cashier at the grocery store said "Will that be ate for you sir?"!!!!
This guy was such an idiot! I laughed in his face for a good solid minute. How in the hell could someone be so stupid that they confuse the word "ate" with "it"?!
Unless... he was making a joke about my weight problem and the quantity of food products I was purchasing. That little punk! Who the hell does he think he is?! I am gonna fucking kill him!

Memo #3- Ice Cream is for pussies.
I made this note after finishing off a quart of vanilla chocolate swirl in one sitting. I am using an old japanese technique of conditioning myself to believe that the things I love and enjoy make me weak. This memo is an attempt to 'karate chop' my desire for fatty treats.

Okay, well this might not have been the best page to use to show how much great material my memo pads have in store for this blog, but I said I would choose one at random and I'm a man of my word. At least you can rest assured that this is a blog of integrity.

Well, I'm off to live life so that I can tell you all about it in my next post. Until then, I love you all so very much.

In The Beginning

2006-09-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

This will one day be the greatest blog that has ever lived, but for now there is just this one test post. Please stay tuned.